Percussion Finals Done, Still Haven’t Died of Embarrassment

unfortunately.

Pr[ocrastin]acticing

I’m in my anti-people mood which is a hard mood to be in when there are people in one’s house. (yes, actual people, I cringe. kidding. as I said to a friend, I am just slightly annoyed, not at them personally but that they’re there. and I do realize that they have an equal right as me to be there [or here] I am just, well, as I said, anti-people.)

Gosh, one day when I’m rich enough, I swear I’ll end up agoraphobic.

In the meantime, I have to practice for my percussion minor finals, practice for my choral exam, practice for the solfege panel exam and finish writing a paper (or two) for my philippine music class. Guess what I’m doing?

Apparently, I’m also in my I-can’t-think mood. I can’t get past the first sentence. No, really, I’ve typed and retyped that sentence for hours now and I have at least three more pages to write. Sigh.

EDIT: First sentence done! woohoo.

Bakit Nga Ba…

…ako nag-music?

What was I thinking?

It’s not that I’m not doing well. I’m actually doing very well…so far. 

My standing in my Theory class is almost perfect (just 1 mistake that haunts me because I was right the first time, I just changed my answer) but ask me again on Tuesday because we’re doing drills on intervals and I don’t think I’ll get it perfectly then.

So far in composition class we’ve done 2 exercises on composing for woodblock. The first one was done in class and we were given 15 minutes and I was so nervous my mind was blank for around 10 of them. The next one was an assignment and again I couldn’t think of anything good until about 2 hours before our class started. For some reason, liked what I did in both exercises and I don’t know why. Which makes me think that I’m either really lucky…or really talented. I hope it’s the latter but I’m not about to bet my life on it.

And it’s not that I’m not happy that I’m doing well. But now there’s the enormous pressure of trying to keep it up. And the last-minute moments of brilliance is worrying me. I know, at least I get last-minute moments of brilliance but it’s really really bad on my nerves because then I spend the whole day (Wednesday) on the brink of an anxiety attack. Really. My stomach won’t settle down. My hands keep trembling. My heart refuses to slow down. I try to breathe, relax, tell myself that it’s just in my head but I refuse to listen. Maybe because I want this too much. I want to be good at this. In fact, I want to be downright amazing and I’m terrified that I’ll end up being ordinary.

Can anyone die of nervousness? It either that or stop being nervous but I don’t see myself doing that in the near future. I also can’t spend the next five years in this constant state of anxiety…it’s exhausting. not to mention depressing. Haaaay…I’ll get over this. I know I will. I just wish I’ll get over it soon.

In the meantime, my first “serious” composition will be for solo violin. Wish me luck.