Archive for the 'ennui' Category

17
Sep
07

“My Brain Hurts!”

…and so I have this sudden urge to go to a doctor wearing shorts, suspenders, high socks, thick-rimmed glasses and a white handkerchief on my head. And hopefully, after telling this to my doctor, he’ll reply: “It will have to come out, then.”

And then I won’t have to think ever again.

Grr. I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a rut. I’m stuck like a rat in a rut. And it’s the worse time to be stuck like a rat in a rut because the clock is ticking and this deadline is looming over my head and all I can think of is the freedom I’ll have in a few days. But I can’t be free until I actually finish doing this and I can’t finish doing this because I’m…you guessed it…stuck.

Forgive me, it seems that I’m always complaining about my work. I don’t really mean to. It’s just I’m in that mood where for about 10 seconds I think I’m amazing but then for the rest of the day I feel like all I’m doing is crap. No wonder most artists escape to that happy ignorance alcoholism brings. Sometimes I wish I could too, except (1) I hate the taste of beer, (2) I hate the smell of beer, and (3) I absolutelly hate it when I vomit and therefore I try to avoid everything that makes me want to vomit and that includes getting drunk.

Haaaaay…paano? paano na ang pangarap ko maging national artist? haha. wala lang.

08
Aug
07

Where is My Bench and How Do I Carry It?*

*originally titled “What is a Petard and How Do I Hoist It?” until I realized that the saying wasn’t what I thought it meant. haha. So changed it to the current title based on the Filipino idiom.

Most of the time, recently, I feel like such a talentless excuse of an artist but then there are moments when I don’t feel like such a talentless excuse of an artist, especially when I create something like this:

Now all I have to do is record it again because I was sleepy when I did this so pressed a lot of wrong notes and said a lot of wrong words as you will see if you read the lyrics.

There, I’m done. I will now sit down on said bench and await your praise. Haha.

04
Jun
07

This is Not a List. (and aren’t you glad.)

i was going to post the next part of my favorite films list but got bored with it all of a sudden so for now it’s saved in my drafts.

i’ve been reading my past blog entries (waaay past, like 2005 past) and I realized that (1) i wrote better blog entries then, (2) i miss college life and (3) my blog entries were probably better because i had more of a life.

sadly, my life right now revolves around Betty La Fea. (well, not really sad, instead maybe slightly pathetic.) I’ve become too attached to my TV set lately. But there’s hope since the season is through in the States so the pirated DVDs in Quiapo are now complete (paging Dohna, Leo, Mimay and Bebs. Ano neh? Camownst, let’s go!) so I don’t have to be such a couch potato anymore. Well, except for Betty La Fea.

haaay.

good news though. I got myself a “job” again. I put it under quotation marks because it’s not exactly a normal job, in the way that society defines a job. As someone once asked me, “ito lang ba ang plano mo gawin?”

hindi. hindi ito lang ang plano ko gawin. Ang dami kong plano kaya lang hindi nangyayari.

what bothers me the most is why they need someone like me. What is it about the kids nowadays? Are they really getting stupider or just lazier? Is technology really to blame for their lack of concentration? when I was a kid, I hated studying and yes, I got distracted a lot. there were times when I really didn’t want to learn and sometimes my grades suffered but i picked myself up and forced myself to do better.

I don’t know why I feel ashamed of it. Since I can’t have my dream job yet, might as well have a job that can sustain me and give me enough space to breathe and do other things.

So.

I’m a tutor. I am a tutor.

It’s not a normal job. but at least i won’t be overworked and underpaid (like what happens in a lot of “normal” jobs) 

and no, it’s is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Someday, I’ll publish a book. Someday, I’ll produce a film. Someday, I’ll compose a score for a full-length feature film.

So for now, I’ll be watching Betty La Fea in the afternoons, tutoring in the evening and writing, composing and/or editing in between. That’s not so bad.

Hmmm…now if only I can figure out how to file income tax properly. I mean, really, don’t they ever write these things in plain english?




ah ahm vahmpyrrr!

"Vous m’avez dit “Je t’aime.” Je vous ai it “Attendez.” J’ai Presque dit “Oui.” Vous avez dit “Partez.”" (You told me “I love you.” I told you “Wait.” I almost said “Yes.” You said “Go away.”) ~ from Jules et Jim by Francois Truffaut

Ayn Marie Dimaya: Fangirling since 2003

Bittergrace is derived from the hebrew variants of her first names: hannah loosely meaning "graced" and miriam loosely meaning "sea of bitterness".

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Recent Viewings

Strings
(Anders Rønnow Klarlund, 2004
Mad Men Season 2
(Matthew Weiner, 2008)
G.I. Joe
(Stephen Sommers, 2009)
And I Love You So
(Laurenti Dyogi, 2009)
Bones Season 4
(Hart Hanson, 2008)
How I Met Your Mother Season 4
(Carter Bays & Craig Thomas, 2008)
House Season 5
(David Shore, 2008)

Recent Books

Skylight Confessions
by Alice Hoffman
Echo
by Francesca Lia Block
Verses
by Ani DiFranco
Changeling
by Kristin Cashore
Briar Rose
by Robert Coover
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
by Chelsea Handler
Fragile Eternity
by Melissa Marr

Recent Songs

Wicked Girls Saving Ourselves
by Seanan McGuire
(2008)

Wendy played fair, and she played by the rules that they gave her;
They say she grew up and grew old -- Peter Pan couldn't save her.
They say she went home, and she never looked back,
Got her feet on the ground, got her life on its track.
She's the patron saint priestess of all the lost girls who got found.
And she once had her head in the clouds, but she died on the ground.

Dorothy just wanted something that she could believe in,
A gray dustbowl girl in a life she was better off leavin'.
She made her escape, went from gray into green,
And she could have got clear, and she could have got clean,
But she chose to be good and go back to the gray Kansas sky
Where color's a fable and freedom's a fairy tale lie.

Dorothy, Alice and Wendy and Jane,
Susan and Lucy, we're calling your names,
All the Lost Girls who came out of the rain
And chose to go back on the shelf.
Tinker Bell says, and I find I agree
You have to break rules if you want to break free.
So do as you like -- we're determined to be
Wicked girls saving ourselves.

Alice got lost, and I guess that we really can't blame her;
They say she got tangled and tied in the lies that became her.
They say she went mad, and she never complained,
For there's peace of a kind in a life unconstrained.
She gives Cheshire kisses, she's easy with white rabbit smiles,
And she'll never be free, but she's won herself safe for a while.

Susan and Lucy were queens, and they ruled well and proudly.
They honored their land and their lord, rang the bells long and loudly.
They never once asked to return to their lives
To be children and chattel and mothers and wives,
But the land cast them out in a lesson that only one learned;
And one queen said 'I am not a toy', and she never returned.

Mandy's a pirate, and Mia weaves silk shrouds for faeries,
And Deborah will pour you red wine pressed from sweet poisoned berries.
Kate poses riddles and Mary plays tricks,
While Kaia builds towers from brambles and sticks,
And the rules that we live by are simple and clear:
Be wicked and lovely and don't live in fear --

For we will be wicked and we will be fair
And they'll call us such names, and we really won't care,
So go, tell your Wendys, your Susans, your Janes,
There's a place they can go if they're tired of chains,
And our roads may be golden, or broken, or lost,
But we'll walk on them willingly, knowing the cost --
We won't take our place on the shelves.
It's better to fly and it's better to die
Say the wicked girls saving ourselves.